Still alive.

Blogging on a regular basis is not one of my strongest features, you have probably deduced by now.
To be honest, I have thought about it so often but I was not sure what exactly to make of this blog anyway. Yes, I have posted some old stuff from my other blog, I definitely wanted to be on here and there are still a few I need to transfer, I just can not seem to find the strength to kick myself in the flat butt. (Also I need to post my old entries first before I can begin something new. Another point that held me back. My obsessive, controlling self.)
On the other hand the name bugged me again. I like the old one a lot more because I use this name everywhere I can since forever, but I had so many posts on there I did not like. Then again I did not want to delete them either. To me that always felt like denying and deleting a part of myself. (Sounds strange but I hop you do understand what I mean by that.)

Sometimes I am fickle like that. Have always been. The smalest things make me doubt myself. Make me doubt every freaking fibre of my human being. Maybe it is part of my OCD but I can not remember a time when I have not been like that.

And this is not just blogging. My whole life feels like that. A lot more since I canceled my apprenticeship. It was fun but it was not something I could have done for the rest of my life. Not under these circumstances. It was not just the pressure I could not deal with. If I did not work (most days a lot more than eight hours), I studied and if I did not study, I slept. Rarely saw my family and friends.
After taking two weeks off, I just broke when I came back. I woke up with anxiety, diarrhea and started crying on my way to work. Even started to infront of my peers. That was the moment when I told myself I could not go on like that, talked to my employer, canceled the apprenticeship and went to a day hospital shortly after. The same one I have been to in 2010. While it helped me greatly back then, this time it felt like mass processing. Well, what exactly did I expect from privatised mental healthcare?
Since then I am signed off sick by my psychatrist who recommended a psychiatric rehab. So that is what I have been doing since then. Trying to get the necessary papers and I am about to send them out within the next days.

I do not have a glamurous and adventurous life I can blog about. I never really had.
All I do is sleep or eat or binge watch something. That's my life right now. Sometimes I only know what fucking day of the week it is if I do not forget to take my antidepressant. I sleep at least twelve hours a day and I am up all night, feeling even more lonely because no one else is up. And I just can't seem to break that fucking cycle right now. So what is there to blog about?
All I am is a weirdo with strange friends, who is probably looking for a spot to shine, who wants to feel irreplaceable and to be told she is allright.

And to some day feel whole again and say: "Everything is all right."


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